This is the male toilet in the old Humanities building. This is the year 2016. More than a decade into the launching of the Millennium Development Goals, we are still doing two of the most important businesses in a sub-standard glorified latrine. In the fashion industry a hand-made or hand-painted piece would cost more, in this male latrine, the hand-painted sign on the door costs more in a different sense. Very few people are aware that this sign (♂) means ‘Male’ so you can imagine the number of men that have been surprised while doing their lighter business at the ‘urinary,’ which is a few feet from the sign on a door that is constantly ajar. The same, I hear, happens in the female toilet, pressed men walking in, dick in hand… but then again, women’s toilets have no urinary. What sane man walks into a toilet, sees no urinary, but proceeds to the toilet? Ok, there is also a sign on the door to the women’s toilet (♀), but like I said earlier, most people don’t know which sign stands for women or men. I know these toilets are old, but a male toilet without a urinary? Any sane man should be able to tell the difference, but I know, a full bladder can make us men blunder. Back to the male toilet. Imagine, dick in hand, head pushed back, closed eyes raised to the ceiling, enjoying the relief and bliss of catching the urinary in time – a few puffs are probably escaping – and you hear “Oh, sorry” in a female voice. I have never been caught with my dick in my hand, only because my office is located in the new Humanities’ block, but I can imagine the anguish of having a woman, with whom you have no sexual relations, having a descriptive impression of your best friend.

Besides the social embarrassment, these toilet facilities are just not hygeinic. Imagine while pressed to do the heavier business because of a runny stomach, you dash into the toilet and no toilet paper? The usually senseless detemination to search in places things can obviously not be may force you to put your hand in the tissue dispenser, but all you may come away with is Tetanus from the empty rusty toilet paper holders. If you were in the woods you may just use leaves or drag your arse on a fallen tree trunk. However, in this cubicle, whether right-handed or left-handed, there is hardly any room for your right leg when you sit on the deck, talkless of enough room to maneuver your arse in the absence of toilet paper.

If you need to use these facilities have a friend stand by the door, and definitely have toilet paper. The second option may not be too pressing in that being in a university environment most people who go in there have books or notebooks with them… But imagine if all you have is a textbook that cost you upwards of P400 – that, like Fela sings will be some ‘Expensive Shit’.

Copyright © Fani-Kayode Omoregie 2016