Bard:                           (preparing to go to the whorehouse) “Give me my robe, put on my crown; I have Immortal longings in me.”[1]

When he gets to the whorehouse the gates are locked. He whistles and Bawd runs to the hole in the wall.

Bawd:                        (from the inside) “O kiss me through the hole of this vile wall!”

Bard:                           (from the outside) “I kiss the wall’s hole, not your lips at all.”[2]

The porter waddles drunkenly to the gate swigging from a carton of Chibuku.

Porter:                         (carton of Chibuku in hand) … Lechery, sir, it provokes, and unprovokes; it provokes the desire, but it takes away the performance: therefore, much drink may be said to be an equivocator with lechery: it makes him, and it mars him; it sets him on, and it takes him off; it persuades him, and disheartens him; makes him stand to, and not stand to; in conclusion, equivocates him in a sleep, and, giving him the lie, leaves him.[3]

He opens the gate. The Bard rushes in.

Bard:                           (aside) misery acquaints a man with strange bedfellows.[4]

The Bard enters the room but he realizes the Bawd that spoke to him is not his usual Bawd. He undresses anyway. The Bawd sees him and starts to drool. She bursts into a loud pleasurable chatter. 

Bard:                           (to Bawd) Speak low, if you speak love.[5]

Bawd:                          (admiringly) you’re a big boy!

Bard:                           (impatient) i come to bury caesar, not to praise him.[6]

The Bawd is rather afraid.

Bard:                           (to a frightened Bawd) be not afraid of greatness; some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some have greatness thrust into them.[7]

Very slowly she undresses, and stands in front of the Bard.

Bard:                           (examining Bawd) By my life, this is my lady’s hand these be her very C’s, her U’s N her T’s and thus makes she her great P’s.[8]

Guildenstein:             (to the Bard) Then you live about her waist, or in the middle of her favors?

Bard:                           Faith, her privates we.

Bawd:                          (scared) In the secret parts of Fortune?[9]

The Bawd points to the Bard’s hands requesting him to use his hands first. Moments later.

Bard:                           (examining his fingers) all the perfumes of Arabia will not sweeten this little hand.[10]

And then she let him … the Bawd is rather loud. 

Bawd:                       (to unsatisfied Bard) Hark! Hark! The lark of Heaven’s gate sings and Phoebus ‘gins arise.[11]

The Bard wants more, but the Bawd is rather pleased and reminiscent.

Bard:                           (to very talkative Bawd) to be or not to be?

The Bawd continues to chatter away. The Bard picks up his cell phone and texts his friend.

Bard:                           (text to friend) … other women cloy the appetites they feed, but she makes hungry where most she satisfies.[12]

Meanwhile, outside the room the Madame has found one of The Bard’s old Bawds.

Madame:                (ears glued to one the doors. To the Bawd) What cracker is this same that deafs our ears with this abundance of superfluous breath?[13]

The Bawd laughs in recollection. The Bard stops to listen. The Bawd is beseeching him to continue.

Madame:                  (complaining about the racket) He cares not what mischief he doth, if his weapon be out.[14]

Bawd:                        If I can close with him, I care not for his thrust.

Madame:                  (Quickly) No, nor I neither. I’ll be at your elbow.

Bawd:                        If I but fist him once, if he come but within my vice —

Back in the room the Bawd and the Bard are back at it.

Bard:                           (fondling Bawd) this throne of kings, this sceptred isle, this earth of majesty. this seat of mars, this other eden, demi-paradise, this … ooh![15]

Lights blink to suggest the passage of time. Three hours later …

Bawd:                        (exhausted) We have seen better days.[16]

Bard:                           (to exhausted Bawd) Better three hours too soon than a minute too late.[17]

The Bawd gets off the bed on wobbly legs, excuses herself and goes outside. She rushes drunkenly to the Madame.

Bawd:                       (very tiredly to Madame) let me have men about me that are fat … yond Cassius has a lean and hungry look … such men are dangerous.[18]

The Bawd returns to the room but the effect of the Viagra has worn off but the Bard wants more. He starts fishing with a rope …

Bawd:                        (to a laboring Bard) “…Your date is better in your pie and your porridge than in your cheek. And your virginity, your old virginity, is like one of our French withered pears: it looks ill, it eats dryly.”[19]

Bard:                          (as he climaxes) “With mirth and laughter let old wrinkles come.”[20]

Bawd:                        (to exhausted Bard) “ … it hangs like flax on a distaff; and I hope to see a housewife take thee between her legs and spin it off.”[21]

Suddenly, lights go out – load shedding.

Bawd:                       (in the dark) is this a dagger i see before me? its handle toward my hand?[22] (grabs)

Bard:                           (wincing) ouch! that’s my pillicock, you @*%#^.

Now the Bawd wants more, but the Bard is spent.

Bawd:                          (dissatisfied) They say all lovers swear more performance than they are able, and yet reserve an ability that they never perform.[23]

The Bard ignores her, gets off the bed, puts on his garments and exits the room. The Madame is still in the corridor.

Madame:                   (to the Bard) did you enjoy it?

Bard:                           the lady doth protest too much, me thinks.[24]

The Bard starts to walk away.

Bard:                           (thoroughly disappointed) women, when you’ve found them, they are not worth the search.[25]

Exeunt.

Copyright © Fani-Kayode Omoregie 2016

[1] Antony and Cleopatra

[2] A Midsummer Night’s Dream

[3] Macbeth

[4] The Tempest

[5] Much Ado About Nothing

[6] Julius Caesar

[7] Twelfth Night

[8] Twelfth Night

[9] Hamlet

[10] Macbeth

[11] Cymberline

[12] Antony and Cleopatra

[13] King John

[14] Henry IV

[15] King Richard II

[16] Timon of Athens

[17] The Merry Wives of Windsor

[18] Julius Caesar

[19] All’s Well That Ends Well

[20] Romeo and Juliet

[21] Twelfth Night

[22] Macbeth

[23] Troilus and Cressida

[24] Hamlet

[25] Merchant of Venice