every lover is a liar! but the degree to which every lover lies is dependent on the stimuli from his/her partner as certain aspects of our romantic relationships and common situations engender the worst in our behavior. imagine this: you have just been offered a choice position in a yuppie firm, you are sitting in a café with your lover to celebrate, you look across at the ferrari dealership across the road and say “i’ll love to get one of those,” and your lover snorts. you say nothing, but your head is spinning. “what does she mean? does she think i cannot afford a ferrari? has she set a certain limit for what i can achieve? if she thinks i am not rich enough to drive a ferrari, does she think i can give her financial security?” you may say nothing back on this day, but nine times out of ten, the next time money is discussed between the two of you, you are more likely to lie. also, your lover is more likely to lie if you ask him/her too many pointed questions, have issues with intimacy, set unrealistic expectations, or react poorly to the truth. have you ever been in a situation where you tell some truth (the second time of asking) about what really happened that you didn’t reveal the first time you were asked about an incident in your past and your lover responds “why didn’t you just tell me the truth the first time? how am i sure you are not lying even now?”
your lover is more likely to lie to you if you seem overly snooping and inquisitive, and keep going back to the same issue over and over and over again. how many times have you heard this? “i know you have told me what happened about your trip to (insert place), but the more i think about what you told me the more certain things don’t add up …”. or, imagine you allow your lover access to your work computer to type a letter, you notice later from the ‘recent places’ that he/she had also checked your mails. this act of going beyond what you were given access to is likely to make your lover feel like you are invading his/her independence, sense of privacy or worse still, stripping him/her of any sense of privacy. never mind that it was an office computer. they start to wonder how much you found out, and soon enough trust is broken. let’s get one thing straight here, i am not saying you are wrong to ask your lover questions, you should because that’s how you get to know him/her better. but you need to know that when two people become lovers there are so many things from their past that they will be unwilling to share immediately – or may not want to share at all. you need to understand that there’s a fine line between asking questions and being overly intrusive. consider the following invasive responsive questions: “hey hun, sorry i am late, i passed through the mall” – “who were you with?” you are in your own flat, your phone rings, by the time you get to it the caller, your lover, has dropped the call. you call back, and he/she asks “why did it take you so long?” these and questions such as, “why did you…?” or “why didn’t you…?” or “is that the truth…?” beg for a lie in response. believe me, when a man/woman hears any of these questions he/she will feel invaded. besides, you limit your lover’s options when you ask such questions, and you consequently cause him/her to feel like he/she is losing control – that they have no privacy or sense of autonomy. the commonest reaction in this situation is fighting back by lying. why?
to gain back some modicum of freedom and independence, some lovers resort to deception. in fact, some lovers see lying as a passive or indirect way of getting a partner off their backs. lippard says, “the person who asks the most questions is often told the most lies,” i don’t think this means you shouldn’t ask question, but rather it translates to, “if you want truths, ask fewer questions.” because once you force your lover into a position where he/she resorts to or is compelled to lie in the first place, you are asking him/her to tell another lie later to cover up the first lie. this may not always be the case. but why tell a lie in the first place? there are several reasons people don’t tell the truth the first time – the first is expectations. each lover goes into a relationship with numerous expectations about how his/her partner should behave, and this unwittingly places a lot of expectations on both. for instance, as a lover, you can have expectations about how your lover should act, communicate on his/her phone, dress, eat, exercise, talk, think, walk, spend his/her free time, behave at work, act in social situations, and so on. if you are serious about your intentions, you try to live up to your lover’s expectations. because if you are truly in love the last thing you want to do is disappoint someone you love. the reason for this is simple.
you know you are in love with someone when that person becomes far more important to you than yourself. for some, sadhguru says, this can be unsettling because they may take it as a threat to their existence. but at the same time “love is some kind of sweet poison” – a self-annihilating poison if you may. paulo coelho writes in the zahir, “love is a disease no one wants to get rid of. those who catch it never try to get better, and those who suffer do not wish to be cured.” to know love you have to annihilate yourself. now, the word annihilation sounds bad, but in love it is not. according to sadhguru “love is a spiritual process.” and a man/woman without love is a rigid being. so when you find somebody to love and want to enjoy love’s bliss you must be willing to surrender everything – your personality, your likes, your dislikes. there is no more “i”. in love, “myself” is a rigid word that has to be destroyed in the process of loving – this is what i mean by is self-annihilation. in other words, a near total collapse of your ways of thinking and feeling, your likes and dislikes, your philosophies and ideologies has to happen when you fall in love. you see, to love, a part of you must die – a part that creates a space this person must now occupy – a space within you, before this person appeared in your life, that was all yours. this is the space you don’t give up even when you are no longer with the person, because to give it up means to let a part of you die – again. if that part is something good, it never dies. if you do not let this happen, then you may just lose out on love.
now, you have to understand that as you let this person come into that space, that no one is perfect. you have to understand that everyone can make an honest or a dishonest mistake. you have to understand every lover falls short of his/her lover’s expectations. and you have to understand that when this happens, people generally try to cover their mistakes through the use of deception. you have to understand that when they do, they have two options: they can either tell the truth and disappoint you – and endure a certain negative outcome; or they can try to cover-up their mistake through deception – that’s try to achieve a positive outcome in an attempt to avoid punishment. most times most people, as they wouldn’t do with strangers they don’t care about, take the second option because a lover is, in many ways, like a child who falls short of his/her parents’ expectations and tries to hide his/her shortcomings by deception. here is the irony of love – because people lie about what their partner’s care about, your expectations are more likely to engender your lover’s deceptive behavior. have you noticed that your dishonest behavior is tied to issues that would upset your lover? for instance, what really happened between you and that ex-lover they cannot stand. consequently, if your partner doesn’t care whether you live in a large mansion, drive the most expensive cars, go on holidays in costly resorts like your neighbors, colleagues and friends, you are less likely to lie about your finances. we don’t have reasons to lie to strangers because we don’t care what they think about us, but the same cannot be said of someone you care what he/she thinks of you – this is the irony of deception.
also, the way you react to truths influences your partner’s use of deception. consider this: scenario one: “did you sleep with her/him?” “yes. i did. but it’s over now.” (silence.) “i’m just glad you told me the truth. i appreciate you telling me the truth.” scenario two: “did you sleep with her/him?” “yes, i did. but it’s over now” (chuckle.) “why did i expect anything better? can’t believe you slept with that bitch/dog and you now are sleeping with me too. are you sure it’s over?” (later that evening in bed he/she reaches over and he/she moves away from him/her) “why don’t you go meet your bitch/dog?” which of these two lovers do you think will lie in the future? now, lets break this down. scenario one: the man/woman in scenario one is more likely to develop into a securely attached lover. a lover who is more likely to tell the truth than the man/woman in scenario two because he/she fears no over-reaction, criticism or judgment. scenario two: the man/woman in scenario two is more likely to develop into an anxious lover. and anxious lovers lie. they lie because they are scared of the backlash from their lover if/when they tell the truth. they lie because they are scared of rejection. they lie because the woman/man who asks the question in scenario two is a dismissive and anxious lover himself/herself. dismissive lovers lie themselves because they usually have intimacy and trust issues. because they lie, they expect you to lie. anxious lovers also engender lying from their partners because they are usually needy – they need the truth, but they don’t react well to truth. anxious lovers, you will discover most times after you break up with them, have a worse track record than what they were accusing you of. anxious lovers are always the last to know what’s going on in their relationships because they’ve forced their partners into keeping quiet or lying for fear of a backlash – and for this, anxious lovers never let go even after they break up with you, they continue to torment you because you’ve hurt their ego. anxious lovers believe they are in control, and nothing hurts them more than to realize they played themselves – cue brian mcknight, “all you do is tell me lies/can’t you see i’m not surprised/that you think that i’m a fool/hey/cause you think that no one sees/and you think you’re playin’ me/i just think that you’re confused/you’re playin’ you baby.” and as we are more likely to become our thoughts, this kind of lover always has his/her worst fears come true.