two weeks back, i ran into a former student of mine, and as we spoke i noticed she seemed distraught. when i asked what was wrong, she said, “i moved in with my boyfriend. i had to opt for this instead of marriage. but it is driving him mad. he wants marriage.” what this young lady is going through is common in all relationships – it is called a ‘good conflict.’ you see, in every long-term relationship, there comes a time when you feel that the thing you need the most from your partner is the very thing he/she is least capable of giving you – in this case, marriage. contrary to what (usually) may follow and what many lovers think, this shouldn’t be the end of love, but rather, the beginning of profound love. this conflict is the bane of most long-term relationships. but, it shouldn’t be. this is a conflict you should not run away from because it is a complement of every long-term relationship. in fact, your relationship is deficient if it is missing because it is your key to happiness as a couple. consider this, your lover may seem content with you, and you consequently assume you don’t have issues with him/her. but that could be because he/she is scared of raising his/her deepest fear with you. when this happens, a lover you think is content may suddenly leave you without clues, but a broken heart. believe me, no heart is more broken than the one that assumes, just before being broken, that everything was fine. i received a meme this afternoon with the words “i hate it when dudes ask ‘can you cook?’ – “can you build a house?” seriously, each person in a long-term relationship has something he/she would like his/her lover to be able to do to secure his/her future. it may be a house. it may be a car. it may be trips to wherever at will. it may be, as in my former student’s case, marriage. it may be having a nursery-load of children. or it may be trust and true love. whatever it is, most times, this is usually what you feel your partner cannot give you, and consequently, this causes rifts within the relationship. but if you both can name your direst needs and commit to working on them together as a couple, your relationship will be the better for it. when you identify and choose to work on it, you should avoid approaching your ‘good conflicts’ with animosity, bitterness, blame, contempt, derision and levity or else your relationship will turn toxic. psychologists speak of fight or flight, but when you have a ‘good conflict,’ you shouldn’t fight, you shouldn’t take flight – you should work things out, as a couple. but if you are a flight risk, before you take flight, ask yourself this, “is it possible to meet the perfect lover?”

fkregieblog 2016