i have heard men say they can tell where a woman has been by how she smells. i laugh. well! i can tell from three miles out if a man will smell bad. and the last place you want to be with a man that smells bad is a two-seater on a full flight. you scrub yourself thoroughly, and then end up in a seat beside an unbathed crotch. i am not talking about passengers who have not had time to refresh on long-haul flights or passengers on delayed flights – i am talking passengers on an early morning inter-city flight. if you haven’t had this luck, believe me, you don’t want to be sitting, at seven in the morning, beside a man who had beer, garlicked food and sex for dinner and didn’t even bother to do the ditches. growing up, we could only watch tv in the evening after we have had a bath. such a rule should apply on early-morning flights. look, i don’t detest people with body odor or garlicky breath – every human has a body odor, except you are among the two percent with the abcc11 gene. but there’s a difference between natural body odor or spicy-food odor and the crotch odor of a man with an allergy to water. besides, my last boyfriend was quite mad-rass and spicy. yea, you know what they say, ‘if you want a horse, you have to run the races.’ well, poor him, he was no horse, but how i loved him – spicy-food odor, garlic-breath and … i hear garlic chases away demons, and god knows i had a tad few demons to chase from my mind every time he had me feet-saluting the ceiling god. the short, short, short of it is, i had a nice time with him. i hear communing with the ceiling god isn’t the same when you let your mind roam, you must focus only on the here and now, they say. and i ask, why do we use music to set the mood if the mind isn’t supposed to roam. you’ve got to let your mind roam, and forget in the short, short, short run … geez! my mind just roamed, and in that instance i forgot the crotch beside me. you see, roaming does have its uses. but we don’t have to roam for hours on end, at 35000 feet in the air, on an inter-city flight, just because we are nose up the wrong fork in the tree. they say cleanliness is next to godliness, well, at 35000 feet in the air you don’t want to be that close to god with … well, yes. put in some condition – ‘all ye who enter here must bath first’ – especially livestock connoisseurs. did i hear you say, “bitch please!”

            “hi, my name is mothusi. you are?”

            “arouma.” i hold my breath.

            “as in odor?” i smile. and he crosses his legs.

fkregie 2017.